Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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