I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You ate ashes out of my bong
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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