Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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