I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
