i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
