How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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