I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
