you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
