I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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