There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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