that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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