I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
