I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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