Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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