I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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