Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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