u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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