wanna go halves on a baby?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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