he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
