I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
