everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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