I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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