Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
