I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
