finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
