Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
