its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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