I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
