everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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