; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
He uses pillows to masturbate.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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