My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
