my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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