he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
