It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
