My room smells like vodka and shame
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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