The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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