if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
