I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
