mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
