I just cut my nipple shaving
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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