I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
