so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
