when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
