Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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