Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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