Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
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