My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
