The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
where are my eyebrows?
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