I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
