stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
